


The Darn Drabbles

by LastScorpion



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-12-08
Updated: 2013-03-28
Packaged: 2017-10-04 06:56:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 65
Words: 13,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastScorpion/pseuds/LastScorpion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I have tried many times to delete the automatically-generated notes at the beginning of each section, but nothing seems to work.  The seven days allowed by the interface are almost up, so I'm posting it regardless.  I apologize for the state of the fic.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. What's More Gen than Giant Ants?

**Author's Note:**

> I have tried many times to delete the automatically-generated notes at the beginning of each section, but nothing seems to work. The seven days allowed by the interface are almost up, so I'm posting it regardless. I apologize for the state of the fic.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Gen fic".)

The Talon's marquee read, "Cheer Up, Smallville! Turn You're Frown Upside Down!" As part of her campaign to brighten the town's mood, Lana was including Free Extra Sugar in all beverages. This was extremely popular with boys and girls ages 10-14, and, of course, Lana's appeal to skeezy old guys in raincoats and insane poets continued undimmed.

Unfortunately, her innovation also attracted Giant Green Glowing Ants.

By the time Sheriff Nancy finished hassling some nuns (Helping the Poor without a Permit), and got the S.W.A.M. Team (Special Weapons and Mutants) out there, it was too late for poor Lana.

Darn.


	2. Fishing Trip

(For theW100 topic "fish out of water")

"Son, you sure about bringing Lana on our fishing trip?"

"She heard me and Pete talking, and kind of invited herself along."

Jonathan sighed.

Lana was worse than useless in a boat. The worms frightened her. She hurt herself on the hook. When she finally got a bite, she jumped up and down, squealing in excitement.

Of course she fell overboard.

"Lana!" Clark cried, and dived in, forgetting that so many lakes near Smallville conceal dangerous underwater meteorites.

By the time Jonathan hauled his unconscious son out of the water and went back for Lana, it was too late.

Darn.


	3. More Giant Ants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One beautiful morning, Lana suddenly noticed her meteor rock necklace was gone. Oh, no! How could she properly memorialize the tragic deaths of her parents (actually, her mother and her mother's poor, cuckolded husband) without it?

(For the Wednesday100 topic "Something is Lost"

One beautiful morning, Lana suddenly noticed her meteor rock necklace was gone. Oh, no! How could she properly memorialize the tragic deaths of her parents (actually, her mother and her mother's poor, cuckolded husband) without it?

Lana searched all over. Finally, she found a big hole, full of shiny, sparkly green.

Clark saw Lana enter the dangerous Giant Ants' Lair. "Lana!" he cried, rushing to save her. Alas! He'd forgotten Giant Ants line their lair with kryptonite.

By the time Clark clawed his way clear of the poison, and went for help, it was too late for poor Lana.

Darn.


	4. Still More Giant Ants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (For the Wednesday100 topic "What happened in the interval, after _Exodus_ but before _Exile_.")

(For the Wednesday100 topic "What happened in the interval, after _Exodus_ but before _Exile_.")

When a big sinkhole suddenly opened beneath Lana, and she fell to her death, the krypto-ants (whose lair she'd landed in) were sad.

She was so pretty, and now she was dead. Darn.

They decided to make some nice, pink, pretty clones. So they did. (The krypto-ants were very smart.)

It took weeks, but no one noticed, because Chloe and Lana had been avoiding each other.

When they were done, the krypto-ants found that one clone had a bad temper and could move her upper lip. They sent that one back to run the Talon and yell at Chloe.

Darn.


	5. It's a floating island!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything in Smallville was perfectly back to normal.

(For the Wednesday100 topic "island".)

Everything in Smallville was perfectly back to normal.

Thanks to Lana, Clark had returned from Metropolis!

Lex was back, too. Lana wasn't sure how.

Those darn LuthorCorp accountants weren't pestering her about the Talon anymore, either!

Lana was so happy, she invented a new dessert, and served it to all her customers!

"What's this?" Lex asked, poking it with a spoon and making a funny little twitching motion with the side of his eye.

"It's a Floating Island!" Lana declared, tilting her head cutely and nodding.

By the time Clark subdued Lex, it was too late for poor Lana.

Darn.

Note: "Floating Island" is basically a custard or pudding with meringues (or sometimes shapes cut out of cake) on top.


	6. Lana's Addiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "These are the best bear-shaped chewy sweets ever!" Lana declared, nodding her head emphatically.

(For the W100 topic "Addiction".)

"These are the best bear-shaped chewy sweets ever!" Lana declared, nodding her head emphatically.

Chloe rolled her eyes and grabbed her bag. "Take it easy on those," she warned, rushing out the door. "They're made in Smallville. Eat enough and you'll probably explode."

"They're low-calorie!" Lana assured her.

Lana decided to sell them at the Talon. She put up a sign: Fresh Bear Sweets Maid In Smallville From Local Ingredinents.

Clark entered the coffee-shop and suddenly felt weak. Searching, he saw Lana down a handful of green, glowing candies.

"Lana!" he cried, but it was too late. She exploded.

Darn.


	7. Parody! Parody! Please don't sue!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Written for the Wednesday100 topic "Song fic".)

(Written for the Wednesday100 topic "Song fic".)

"He lies."

"She's weepy."

"He doesn't love me deeply."

"She wears a lot of makeup and it's kind of loud."

"He won't share secrets."

"She has a lot of regrets."

"His rear-end has been ogled by the LJ crowd!"

"Our luuurrrvvve  
Is kind of scary!"

"Does she hope I'm ordinary?"

"Is he really just a fairy?"

"Did she really just say 'fairy'?"

"But it's all very well! Almiles knows, we'll never tell!"

Suddenly Mutant Enemy's crack team of assassins burst into the room and started shooting. By the time Clark neutralized them, it was too late for poor Lana. Darn.


	8. This one's really sad  Really!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I thought it was enough that your feelings for me were true, Clark," Lana declared, nodding earnestly. She blinked the tears from her eyes, then blinked some more. "But a relationship based on secrets and lies is bound to fail!"

(For the Wednesday100 topic "Good-bye")

"I thought it was enough that your feelings for me were true, Clark," Lana declared, nodding earnestly. She blinked the tears from her eyes, then blinked some more. "But a relationship based on secrets and lies is bound to fail!"

"But Lana," Clark protested.

Lana smiled and scrunched up her nose adorably. "I never want to see or speak to you again!!!!"

Clark pouted. Lana flounced away.

Unfortunately, both teens were so upset they forgot that the majestic Lowell County Cliffs were nearby. By the time Clark figured out the distant eeeeeeeek-thump it was too late for poor Lana.

Darn.


	9. Lana the Healer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The Wednesday100 topic was "healing". "How can I do a Darn drabble about healing?" I asked my kids. They came up with this idea.)

(The Wednesday100 topic was "healing". "How can I do a Darn drabble about healing?" I asked my kids. They came up with this idea.)

"Blessed Be!" Lana chirped.

"Huh?" Clark asked.

"I'm becoming a Wiccan!" Lana declared, nodding her head emphatically. "That way I can help people even more. I'm going to be a great Healer! I'm sure it will come naturally to me, just like martial arts and coffee-shop management!"

"Um. Magic can be unpredictable. Are you sure you want to..."

"Oh, fiddle-dee-dee!" Lana cut Clark off. "Watch this!"

She began to make mystic gestures. Then she started to swell up in a very alarming fashion.

"Lana!" Clark cried.

Unfortunately, Superman is no use whatsoever against magic.

Poor Lana was quite exploded.

Darn.


	10. Lana and the TimeMachine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "The Past".)

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "The Past".)

"I've finally finished my time-machine!"

"Wonderful!" Lana cried, appearing out of nowhere. "Now I can save my poor, dear parents!"

"What?" Lex asked, but Lana was already gone.

Lex called Clark immediately.

In the laboratory, Lex gave Clark two Recall-Devices. "Lana didn't take one. You'll return in twenty minutes."

Unfortunately, Clark had forgotten all the big flaming chunks of kryptonite. He could only watch in agony as Lana, overcome with joy, embraced her startled parents, right in the path of the biggest meteorite.

"Lana!" Clark cried weakly, but it was too late. All three were squashed flatter than pancakes.

Darn.


	11. The Truth Will Set You Darn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clark was mending the milking machine. Lana came in.

(Originally written for the W100 topic: the Truth)

Clark was mending the milking machine. Lana came in.

"Clark," she declared, "a relationship based on secrets and lies is doomed..."

Clark sighed. Sometimes it felt like they'd had this conversation a million times.

"Lana!" he interrupted.

She turned those big, brown eyes up to him, hurt that he hadn't let her finish.

"I'm an alien, faster and stronger than a human. My spaceship crashed in the meteorite shower that killed your parents."

Lana's eyes rolled back. She keeled over.

"Lana!" Clark cried. He rushed her to the hospital, but it was too late. The truth had killed her.

Darn.

(I did another one that week, in which Lana doesn't die, but it's IMO pretty funny, so I'm putting it up here, too. Remember "Magnetic", when that krypto-mutant guy who could control metal could also control Lana's mind? Yeah.)

"It's the only explanation!"

"Riiiiight," Clark said, closing his locker. "'Cause it's so reasonable."

"Clark! Smallville! Reasonable?"

Okay, he'd grant her that one.

"I live with her! And it explains everything - the pink, the repetitiveness, the only having three different expressions!"

"Chloe, it's impossible."

"No, it's not! I've been digging - she got a ton of radiation, probably died, and Nell was such 'friends' with Lionel Luthor. Did you know that LuthorCorp was a pioneer in the field? And she's the perfect teenage girl, if you're a middle-aged genius lab-guy who doesn't get out much."

"Chloe..."

"It's true! Lana's a robot!"


	12. Happy Turkey Day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Surely the Talon will get more business if people can win free turkeys!" Lana declared, wrinkling her nose.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Thanksgiving")

"Surely the Talon will get more business if people can win free turkeys!" Lana declared, wrinkling her nose.

"Is the Talon's freezer big enough?" Chloe asked. "Because there's no room at home."

"They're not frozen! Only live, local turkeys will do!"

"Live?"

Lana nodded emphatically. "Here they come!"

Clark didn't deliver them. "You didn't buy from Kents'?" Chloe asked.

"No. Crater Lake Turkeys are bigger!"

Lana tapped on the crate and cooed at the green, glowing turkeys. Suddenly they broke out of their crate!

By the time the vicious birds were restrained, it was too late for poor Lana.

Darn.


	13. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's hardly Christmas shopping if you don't go to the mall!" Lana declared, nodding emphatically and wrinkling her nose. "Besides, Grandville's only an hour away!"

(Originally for the old W100 topic "Madness")

"It's hardly Christmas shopping if you don't go to the mall!" Lana declared, nodding emphatically and wrinkling her nose. "Besides, Grandville's only an hour away!"

Chloe looked dubiously out the window. "In this snow, we'll be lucky to get there at all."

"My SUV has four-wheel-drive!"

All Lowell County must have had the same idea. The Grandville Mall thrummed with that special shopping madness only seen in December.

Chloe never knew what set the mob off. After struggling free, she turned back, but it was too late for poor Lana. She'd already been trampled by the maddened holiday crowd.

Darn.


	14. Tragically, on the Way to Metropolis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darn that Chloe! How dare she offer Lana a ride to Metropolis! Chloe was such a secretive liar! She should have told Lana about Clark right away! Lana had half a mind to leave Chloe's home! But first she had to make Clark understand how deeply he'd hurt her feelings! His parents', too!

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Fanfixes")

Darn that Chloe! How dare she offer Lana a ride to Metropolis! Chloe was such a secretive liar! She should have told Lana about Clark right away! Lana had half a mind to leave Chloe's home! But first she had to make Clark understand how deeply he'd hurt her feelings! His parents', too!

Lana stuck out her thumb. Maybe she should show some leg.

As soon as she hiked up her cute, pink skirt, a car pulled up.

"Want a ride, girlie?"

"Oh, thank you!" Lana gushed, nodding emphatically and wrinkling her nose.

Tragically, she was never seen again.

Darn.

(This was riffing off the first episode of season 3. Lana traveled back and forth to Metropolis about three times in that episode, all by herself, and she didn't seem to have a car with her when she was in Metropolis confronting Red!K!Clark. You'd think something would have happened, during the necessary eighteen hours of hitchhiking!)


	15. Everybuhdy Neads a Little Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm tired of that unadorned marquee!" Lana declared, nodding emphatically.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Change in Smallville")

"I'm tired of that unadorned marquee!" Lana declared, nodding emphatically.

"You want to change the lettering?" Chloe asked.

"I have a better idea!" Lana chirped, tilting her head and wrinkling her nose cutely.

* * *

After a long morning's farming, Clark liked to spend some time sitting in the Talon, drinking cocoa and gazing at Lana. Today, as he approached, he was shocked to see her on a tall ladder, duct-taping sparkly green meteor rocks to the building. He watched, horrified, as her foot slipped.

"Lana!" Clark cried, but he couldn't get within fifty feet. Lana plummeted to her doom.

Darn.


	16. Another Christmas Classic Butchered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Refrain:  
> Lana got run over by a reindeer  
> Walkin' home from Kent's place Christmas Eve  
> You may say there's no such thing as Santa  
> But as for me and lj we believe

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Night Before Christmas")

Refrain:  
Lana got run over by a reindeer  
Walkin' home from Kent's place Christmas Eve  
You may say there's no such thing as Santa  
But as for me and lj we believe

Clark was hidin' way up in the hayloft  
Missed that jolly elf with twinklin' eyes  
He was sunk in gloom; his heart was heavy  
The girl kept harpin' on thecretth and lies

(Refrain)

NORAD tracked the sleigh back to the North Pole  
Chlo' put the sighting on her Wall of Weird  
Lex got someone else to run the Talon  
And Clark had to get hisself another beard.

Darn.


	17. Stranger in a Strange Land

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When she heard the car-radio's tornado warning, Lana knew exactly what to do. In school they'd always said to stay low, in a basement or ground-floor restroom or ditch (if caught outdoors), but she preferred to stay inside her vehicle, and it had always turned out fine. Naturally, she was completely unhurt when this tornado (like the previous six) whirled her away in her top-of-the-line SUV. She landed in an unfamiliar but beautiful countryside.

(The wednesday100 over at livejournal is running again! Yesterday's topic was "Stranger in a Strange Land".)

When she heard the car-radio's tornado warning, Lana knew exactly what to do. In school they'd always said to stay low, in a basement or ground-floor restroom or ditch (if caught outdoors), but she preferred to stay inside her vehicle, and it had always turned out fine. Naturally, she was completely unhurt when this tornado (like the previous six) whirled her away in her top-of-the-line SUV. She landed in an unfamiliar but beautiful countryside.

"I guess I'm not in Kansas anymore," Lana mused, stepping out onto the lovely bright yellow brick road.

Just then a house fell on her.

Darn.


	18. New Year's 2004

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _On New Year's Day of 2004, the wednesday100 topic was "any topics you previously missed"._ _There were six early challenges for which I didn't write _ _:_
> 
> 3/6 Clark &amp; Lex broke up. Get them back together.
> 
> _3/12 Clark &amp; Lex are breaking up. Show it from another person's PoV._
> 
> _4/2 Alternate Universe. (Part of what makes it AU is that Lana always survives! LOL!)_
> 
> _4/9 Porn_
> 
> _4/16 Clark &amp; Lex holding hands._
> 
> _4/23 Clark uses his superpowers for something other than rescue._
> 
> _WARNING: Crossover Brain at Work._
> 
> __
> 
> **Drabble 1: Decisions, Decisions**   
> _Challenges 4/2, 4/16_

_On New Year's Day of 2004, the wednesday100 topic was "any topics you previously missed"._ _There were six early challenges for which I didn't write _ _:_

3/6 Clark &amp; Lex broke up. Get them back together.

_3/12 Clark &amp; Lex are breaking up. Show it from another person's PoV._

_4/2 Alternate Universe. (Part of what makes it AU is that Lana always survives! LOL!)_

_4/9 Porn_

_4/16 Clark &amp; Lex holding hands._

_4/23 Clark uses his superpowers for something other than rescue._

_WARNING: Crossover Brain at Work._

**Drabble 1: Decisions, Decisions**   
_Challenges 4/2, 4/16_

What a dilemma!

Flat on his belly, his desperate (slipping) grip the only thing between two high-schoolers and their watery grave!

Lana Lang had resuscitated him after he'd crashed his Porsche and drowned, but Clark Kent was gorgeousness itself!

Kent hung like deadweight. Lana at least scrabbled at the dam's face. She blinked imploringly up at Lex, weirdly lit by her glowing green necklace. The heavy farmboy barely returned Lex's grip.

"A life for a life," Lex thought resignedly as he pulled Miss Lang up.

Now he'd never know if that beautiful mouth was as good as it looked.

Darn.

**Drabble 2: From the Mind of Lana Lang  
** _Challenges 4/2, 4/16, 3/12_

My goodness! I hope Lex doesn't drop us! I'd hate being splattered like my poor dear parents! I'd hate Clark abandoning me by falling to his death, too! Oh, how I hope Lex can just hold both of us here forever!

Who knew climbing the railing in a high wind was so dangerous!?!? Too bad Clark messed up rescuing me -- he barely touched my lucky parent-squashing meteor necklace, then fell!

Fortunately, Lex grabbed us! I wonder who pulled him from the water that day I gave him CPR? He seems kinda sweet on Clark -- Oh no! He dropped him!

Darn!

**Drabble 3: Y'all Know I Suck at Porn  
** _Challenges 4/2, 4/23, 3/6, 4/9_

"You _saved_ me! How can I repay you?"

"That necklace?"

Lex stashed Lana's necklace in his lead box.

Clark climbed back over the railing, completely uninjured.

"Clark! You've come back to me!" Lana crinkled. "But... How? Are you an alien?"

Clark sighed. "Yup. I'll have to make y'all forget."

He stalked to Lex and kissed him. Lana couldn't look away!

Presently, Clark murmured, "You don't remember anything weird happening here today, do you Lex?"

"Takes more than a kiss to make me forget, Farmboy," Lex gasped.

(Insert Porn)

Afterwards, Clark pecked Lana's cheek. As her memories faded, she thought, "Darn!"


	19. Friendship a Tenchi Universe crossover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Wow, Pete! You'll come with?"

(Originally written for the W100 topic "friendship". Crossover with Tenchi Universe. Clark and Pete are visiting the Masaki Shrine. For people who have never seen Tenchi, I will sum up: Tenchi Masaki thinks he is a normal Japanese high school boy. Then all these alien women (space pirate, two princesses, galaxy police, bounty hunter) start showing up, and he finds that the demon imprisoned in the cave near his family's shrine is also an alien woman, a mad scientist who was locked up there centuries ago. All the alien women looooove Tenchi. There are big space battles and stuff. Lots of banter. Eventually he discovers that his grandfather, Yoshi, is also an alien, a prince who fled his home planet in some sort of dispute over the succession. But it all works out okay.)

* * *

"Lookit this!"

"Wow, Pete! You'll come with?"

"What're friends for?"

Lana was eavesdropping.

* * *

"Please direct me to the shrine? My boyfriend went -- well, not exactly boyfriend. He keeps secrets." Lana touched the cute boy's arm and blinked imploringly.

Tenchi rubbed the back of his head. "Well, Miss..."

Suddenly, a fireball came from one direction and a lightning-bolt from another. Lana vanished.

"Our friendship brought us this victory!" Ryoko laughed.

Ayeka cackled merrily, then glared at her.

* * *

Yoshi had given Clark plenty to think about.

He didn't notice the conflict until was too late for poor Lana.

Darn.


	20. What were they thinking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a reasonable fellow. If she'd just stayed quiet and still for a minute, I'm sure my bad temper would have abated, but she started making that annoying high-pitched noise, and then she practically threw herself under my hooves!

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Show what a character was thinking.")

* * *

I was just minding my own business. Suddenly that squeaky little girl came hurtling in! Well, I wasn't going to stand for that! There are well-established procedures whereby she's allowed enter here, and she was willfully disregarding them! I think I was entitled to be upset.

I'm a reasonable fellow. If she'd just stayed quiet and still for a minute, I'm sure my bad temper would have abated, but she started making that annoying high-pitched noise, and then she practically threw herself under my hooves!

Anyway, I heard the paramedics say she'd be fine. I only broke her leg.

Darn.

* * *

(These would be the thoughts of that horse from "Shattered", by the way.) 


	21. Not in Smallville

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody looked at Dawn. "It wasn't me!" she squealed, indignantly decapitating another.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Not in Smallville" -- this is pretty much a crossover of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" with the "As The Anvil Falls" Smallville game that people used to play over at televisionwithoutpity.)

* * *

"Where did these giant green glowing ants come from, anyway?"

Everybody looked at Dawn. "It wasn't me!" she squealed, indignantly decapitating another.

"We believe you," Willow soothed, reducing ants to smithereens. "The color's prolly just a coinkidink."

A girl appeared, riding a shiny pink ant-drawn chariot. She was speaking and nodding emphatically, but nobody could understand her.

"Behold, the Queen of the Ants," Xander observed.

"Isn't that Clark's ex?" Buffy asked.

Before Dawn could answer, Spike leaped onto the ant-leader and snapped her neck.

"Spike!" everybody yelled.

"What? I was helping!"

"Now we'll never know what was going on!"

Darn.


	22. Other Mutant Abilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mama never seemed to grow a day older, but stayed nice. However, most folks who had that 'buzz' to them were mean, crazy, or both.

(Three drabbles this time -- Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Other Mutant Abilities" -- my favorite that week was one that somebody wrote where Pete had the mutant ability to shrink people's shoes LOL!)

* * *

People changed in 1989.

Mama never seemed to grow a day older, but stayed nice. However, most folks who had that 'buzz' to them were mean, crazy, or both.

By the time he'd started kindergarten, Pete had developed the habit of avoiding them. It meant hanging mostly with just Clark and Greg. They were weird, but they didn't set his teeth on edge.

Pete was glad when Chloe moved in. Her "Wall of Weird" researches explained a lot. Even then, she wanted to keep it secret from Clark. Pete knew Clark was no mutant, but he kept his mouth shut.

* * *

One day, Lana noticed Pete was ignoring her.

Pete dated. There was no reason he shouldn't ask her out! She'd turn him down, probably, but he still should ask!

Lana charmed dear Judge Ross into telling her where Pete was every night. She sweetly got other girls to cover her shifts at work. She smilingly persuaded teachers to give her well-deserved A's without making her do assignments.

Still, she never got Pete alone. It was like he could sense her coming!

Finally, she crashed a college kegger and dragged him into a closet. Ten minutes later, they were engaged.

Darn.

* * *

  
**You Always Hurt the Ones you Love**

"Lex!" Where was he?

Life had been simpler before Lillian. He knew she'd never understand him. God, loving people was hard.

(Insert meteors. Years pass.)

Lionel tried his damnedest not to love Lex. He figured that kept the boy alive.

Julian, Lillian, Martha's baby - his love had doomed them. Even unlovable Rachel had gone mad. Love was a curse. Lionel avoided it, to spare himself the pain of losing them.

"Dad? This is my business partner, Lana Lang."

Moist brown eyes blinked soulfully into Lionel's. Suddenly, for no good reason, he lost his heart again.

Soon Lana was dead.

Darn.

(My kids and I just take it as a given that Lana has the mutant ability that everybody falls in love with her -- after all, she wore that kryptonite necklace for years and years, and the meteors that killed her parents landed practically right next to her!)


	23. Revenge!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lana struggled desperately, but she struggled in vain. Her assailants were numerous and well equipped for such a battle. She couldn't believe that Clark would just frickin' stand there, while she was being so horribly attacked!

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Revenge")

* * *

"Clark! Help me!"

Lana struggled desperately, but she struggled in vain. Her assailants were numerous and well equipped for such a battle. She couldn't believe that Clark would just frickin' stand there, while she was being so horribly attacked!

"Clark! Come on! Throw them thirty feet away! They're really hurting me!"

"You deserve it, Missy!" squawked the leader, Tiffany of the JV Cheer Squad. "You quit in the middle of the season! There was no way we could make it to County then!"

"Clark!" Lana cried frantically.

"Lana!" Clark shouted, annoyed. "They're just giving you a haircut!"

"Daaaarn!" Lana screamed.


	24. Lana is a Saint  No, Really!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Huh? I mean thanks. I mean for what?"

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Forgiveness".)

* * *

"I forgive you, Clark," Lana declared, bobbing her head and blinking with emotion.

"Huh? I mean thanks. I mean for what?"

"For getting me into trouble with those mutants yesterday."

Clark's mouth dropped open. "I _saved_ you from them!"

"Oh, Clark," Lana sighed. "Let's not quarrel."

"I'm not! I mean..."

They were so intent on their conversation that they didn't notice the glowing green puffball growing larger behind them. When it exploded, they were hurled in different directions. Lana landed in the path of an oncoming train.

"Lana!" Clark cried, struggling in the krypto-goo, but it was too late.

Darn.


	25. Hot Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "hot sex" -- I can't really write porn, so I wrote this LOL!)

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "hot sex" -- I can't really write porn, so I wrote this LOL!)

* * *

"Oh, Clark."

"Oh, Lana."

"Oh, oh, Clark."

"Oh... Hey!"

"What?"

"That's -- don't do that, okay?"

Lana giggled. "What? That?"

Clark yipped. "Yeah! Don't!"

"C'mon, Clark. Whitney used to love it when I did that."

Whitney wasn't an alien, Clark thought. It didn't go straight to his freaky heat-generating eyeballs and almost fry you. "I'm not Whitney, and I don't like it."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

"Good. Mmmm."

"Mmm. Oh, Clark."

"Oh, Lana."

"Oh, oh, oh! Clark!"

"Oh, Lana, oh..."

Lana giggled. She did it again.

Unfortunately, this time Clark couldn't stop.

Lana was incinerated.

Darn.


	26. Lana experiments with time travel again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Experimenting")

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Experimenting")

* * *

Lana was too young for a midlife crisis.

Nevertheless, her perfect pink coffeeshop and her adorable apartment and her many cats failed to make her happy.

She should be the one with a great job in Metropolis! She'd been so successful in high-school.

Or things could have gone differently even earlier. If her poor dear parents had survived, surely Lana's life would have been better!

Lana decided to experiment with time-travel. She knew she could change the past using meteor-rocks, rain, and electricity.

Unfortunately, she used too much kryptonite, traveled centuries too far, and was eaten by a grizzly.

Darn.


	27. The Insect Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Anything to do with time". This drabble is respectfully dedicated to mobiusklein.)

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Anything to do with time". This drabble is respectfully dedicated to mobiusklein.)

* * *

At Lex Luthor's inauguration, red rain fell from a cloudless sky. Within a week, Washington was a ghost-town; America lasted a month longer; every human perished within the year.

Superman took five years to figure out what had happened, and another decade to build the time-machine that might enable him to stop it.

The insects fought him every step of the way.

High-school graduation night, Superman knew where to find them. Snatching the band from Lana's head revealed her antennae, first manifestation of the Insect Queen.

"Lana!" Clark cried, but it was too late. Without the headband, Lana died.

Darn.


	28. The default drabble, spring break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "So do I," Clark commented diffidently. "In fact, I better get back before Dad does something stupid without me and has another heart-attack." He inhaled his pie, left some money and took off.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Spring Break".)

* * *

"It's so unfair," Lana complained, grumpily serving a piece of pie. "Everybody's gone on vacation but me. Chloe and Gabe are visiting relatives. Pete's whole family is in Chicago. But I have to stay here and work!"

"So do I," Clark commented diffidently. "In fact, I better get back before Dad does something stupid without me and has another heart-attack." He inhaled his pie, left some money and took off.

"Sure," Lana muttered. "Everyone abandons me."

Suddenly, a huge rock from the sky crashed into the Talon. Clark immediately sped back, but it was too late for poor Lana.

Darn.

* * *

(And this is the other one, not a Darn Drabble, that I wrote that week -- it was March of 2004.)

In Smallville, Spring Break didn't mean beaches. It meant orchards busting into bloom, sweet warm air, and farmers spending every hour God sent working the fields.

Unfortunately, that meant Lex couldn't turn to Clark with this problem. Lex felt strongly averse to asking anybody else's assistance, but he dreaded dealing with it alone even more.

He couldn't just let this go on, though.

"I know we've had our differences. I hope you're willing to let bygones be bygones." At the other's noncommittal nod, Lex swallowed and went on. "Lewis, please pick the baby up? Dad hates it when Julian cries."

(When hallucinations collide... eg)


	29. Out of Character

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was just bad luck that Lana found out about Tony and Carla that particular day. No one could have predicted that she'd catch her new boyfriend, wrestling team captain and secret steroid abuser, making out with her old cheerleading rival **at the very same time** that a busload of orphans was about to plunge over the scenic Lowell County Cliff Formation.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "out of character".)

It was just bad luck that Lana found out about Tony and Carla that particular day. No one could have predicted that she'd catch her new boyfriend, wrestling team captain and secret steroid abuser, making out with her old cheerleading rival **at the very same time** that a busload of orphans was about to plunge over the scenic Lowell County Cliff Formation.

When an enraged Tony broke her neck to "shut the bitch up," Clark was busy extricating crying children from the wreckage.

Upon learning of the tragedy, Clark shrugged and said, "Oh, well. You can't save 'em all."

Darn.


	30. Let the Dice Fall Where They May!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's fun! Here, take the handbook and make up a character."

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Games". Hackmaster is a spoofy D&amp;D type of game, put out by KenzerCo. My kids play it a lot; they were the ones who wanted me to use it for the topic.)

* * *

"Hackmaster, huh?"

"It's fun! Here, take the handbook and make up a character."

Lana brought her new character to the game. She had painted a figure and everything! It was pink.

"She's an elf princess!" Lana declared, nodding earnestly.

Pete studied the character sheet with an expression of growing horror. "Ballroom dancing? Grooming? Stringed instruments?"

"She has no weapons!" Chloe complained.

"She knows magic, though!"

"Social-interaction cantrips? I never heard of... Let's just play," Clark decided.

(Hours later...)

"Man, we were wiped out by kobolds!"

"Lana killed my cleric!"

"It was an accident! I can't believe my princess died! Darn!"


	31. How French!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Firsts", which came up during the summer right after Lana had gone to Paris to study Art. My husband, alas, informs me that this is impossible.)

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Firsts", which came up during the summer right after Lana had gone to Paris to study Art. My husband, alas, informs me that this is impossible.)

* * *

"It's my first time in an airplane!" Lana confided, nodding and wrinkling her nose cutely. The tired-looking businessman seemed unimpressed. He stretched out his legs (they were in the Emergency-Exit row), covered his face with a handkerchief, and fell asleep.

"How French!" Lana thought, and resumed studying the Emergency Procedures card. She wanted to make sure she could perform her duties as Person Seated Closest to the Emergency Exit, should the dreadful occasion arise.

Unfortunately, Lana absent-mindedly followed all the steps for real. Upon opening the emergency door, she was sucked from the plane and plummeted into the Atlantic.

Darn.


	32. My kids came up with this one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Down came the Goooooood Alien, and Clark said, "Little Bunny Krypto-Freak, I don't want to see you, snatching up the Lana and bopping her on the head."

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Myth or Fairy Tale". It doesn't totally fit, but oh well.)

* * *

Little Bunny Krypto-Freak, hopping through the forest, snatching up the Lana and bopping her on the head.

Down came the Goooooood Alien, and Clark said, "Little Bunny Krypto-Freak, I don't want to see you, snatching up the Lana and bopping her on the head."

And Lana said, something about thecretth and lieth and her dead parentth... You know.

And Clark threw up his hands and said, "Whatever," and left.

Little Bunny Krypto-Freak, hopping through the forest, snatching up the Lana and bopping her on the head. Some more.

Darn.

And the moral of this story is, "Pink today, clonked tomorrow."


	33. An Alternate Universe Homage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (An AU homage to H. P. Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness", originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Fear".)

(An AU homage to H. P. Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness", originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Fear".)

* * *

"I'm tired of being a boring old coffee seller, small business owner, landlord, candy striper, blood bank volunteer, prize winning equestrienne, track team member, high school student, martial arts expert and object of universal adoration! I want to leave Smallville, and do something with my life! Hmm. Shall I go to Paris and become an internationally acclaimed artist, or go to Antarctica and become a world famous explorer?"

"Antarctica," said Chloe, who wasn't really paying much attention.

Six Months Later...

"Eek! What's that?"

"It's a penguin."

"Eek! What's that?"

"It's another penguin."

"Eek! Oh! Aargh!"

Lana died of fright.

Darn.


	34. Puffy Pink Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The first of these is a Darn Drabble that I wrote originally for the Wednesday100 topic "The Season 3 finale". That topic also spawned "Pokeville", which is also here on my fic page. _Smallville_ season finales always make more sense if you cross them over with _Pokemon_!)

(The first of these is a Darn Drabble that I wrote originally for the Wednesday100 topic "The Season 3 finale". That topic also spawned "Pokeville", which is also here on my fic page. _Smallville_ season finales always make more sense if you cross them over with _Pokemon_!)

* * *

Gotham International Airport was dark and dull. Lana had been there for hours, and she had hours to wait for her Paris flight.

No one was paying her the slightest attention.

Suddenly she noticed a round, pink creature walking purposefully through the airport. "Aren't you cute!" she said, picking it up and cuddling it.

"Jiggly?" the thing responded.

When Lana's flight was finally called, she couldn't bear to leave the pink thing behind. "Here. Hide in my purse!"

During the flight, the Jigglypuff got bored and started singing cheerfully. Everyone fell asleep, including the pilots, and the plane crashed.

Darn.

_Disclaimer: I do not encourage hiding anything in your bag when getting on an airplane. Look what happened to poor Lana!_

There will be more to this Pokeville story, but it's too long for wednesday100. I'll put it in my lj presently.

* * *

(The rest of these were ficlets that aren't really Darn Drabbles, but I'm going to stick them here anyway, just because I need someplace to keep them now that lj has started being randomly anti-fannish.)

* * *

(The Wednesday100 topic for this one was, oddly enough, "101 Ways to Get Rid of Lana". IIRC, I pervesely decided to see how many I could do without killing her off! LOL -- I came up with a total of four.)

_My daughter wrote this one, all by herself! It follows the __Darn drabble__ from last week – making the title "Puffy Pink Death" a lie. The Jigglypuff here is the one from "Magical Pokemon Journey" rather than the one from the TV show – the comic book one cooks all the time, badly, and causes lots of explosions (which would fit right in with Smallville.)_"Jiggly?" asked Jigglypuff, keeping Lana from sinking.

"You saved me!" Lana exclaimed, hugging the cute, floating, pink Pokemon.

Jigglypuff pulled Lana to shore, and they went to look around.

"Jig-jiggly!" Jigglypuff pointed at a sign in a bakery window.

"Help Wanted," Lana read. "Do you cook, Jiggly?"

Jigglypuff nodded emphatically and happily entered. Lana followed and went up to the cashier.

"Hello," she chirped, nodding cutely. "We want a job."

"Do you have any experience?" he asked.

"I ran a coffee shop once."

"That's good enough."

Lana and Jigglypuff cooked there happily for years, and eventually stopped blowing things up.

* * *

(The topic was "crossover with anything".)

_Nobody can stop me if I choose to believe that the real Lana Lang stayed in Paris, running a bakery with a Jigglypuff, and that this black-clad witch-inhabited, sleeping-with-aliens girl is an imposter._

Lana began to clean up the bake-shop. Jigglypuff was already setting the dough to rise for tomorrow morning's bread.

"Ooh! A _Daily Planet_! I haven't seen a newspaper from Kansas for a long time!" Lana settled down to read.

"They're rioting in Metropolis! Omigosh! That girl looks just like me! The caption says 'Lex Luthor and Lana Lang Declare Earth Belongs to Them'!"

"Jiggly?" asked her little round business-partner, dusting the flour from its hands.

"An imposter! How duplicitous! Round up the gang, Jigglypuff! We're going to Kansas!"

(The next week's headlines read "Lana Lang and Pokemon Stop Alien Conquest.")

* * *

(This was written for Celli's Taxfic Challenge, 2007.)

Lana and the Jigglypuff in Paris do their taxes  
For **celli**'s taxfic challenge (and I really should have forced myself to do my own taxes first, before writing and posting this, but oh well)  
By LastScorpion

(follows Puffy Pink Death, Not Dead, Really, and Nobody Can Stop Me Believing Lana's Happy Ever After in Paris, aka Smallville Season Finales always Make More Sense when you Cross them Over with Pokemon #3)

555 words

The cheerful little cloche over the door jingled, and Lana looked up from her sketch to greet the customer. Except he wasn't a customer.

"Mademoiselle Lang?" inquired the official-looking mustachioed gentleman.

Lana blinked and nodded at him. "Yes?"

"And you are in the business of this boulangerie with a Mademoiselle Puff?"

Lana blinked some more, and tilted her head. "Um…," she began.

The Jigglypuff toddled out from the kitchen, wiping her tiny hands on her little pink apron. "Jiggly?" she asked.

Lana looked blankly at her Pokemon partner.

"I am the tax man," their visitor declared.

Lana's eyes grew big and round. So did the Jigglypuff's. Oh, no! They'd been running their bakery for two years! How could they have forgotten to pay their taxes?!?

Lana and the Jigglypuff looked at each other desperately. The Jigglypuff drew a deep breath, and Lana clapped her hands over her ears.

"Jigglypuff, jigglyyyyy, jigglypuff, jiggly, Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff, Jigglypuff, jiggly…," the Jigglypuff sang sweetly.

The tax collector fell to the floor, unconscious.

Lana rushed to turn their door sign over to ferme. "Omigosh!" she exclaimed. "What are we going to do?"

"Jiggly jig! Jiggly jig!" the Jigglypuff declared, scurrying into the back room to get all their receipts.

"Yes, of course! You're absolutely right!" Lana hurried to get a calculator and some pens.

Several hours passed, during which Lana taught herself the fiendishly complex French small-business tax code, and the Jigglypuff made coffee and sandwiches and ran out to the nearby copy shop several times.

Finally, they were ready.

"Oh, Monsieur! I am desolated that you should have been taken ill in our establishment!" Lana cried, batting her big brown eyes at the government official. Yeah, that'd do it. He was starting to fall in love with her for no good reason, and it was about time, too. She gazed imploringly at him, and handed him another plate of madeleines.

"I have never experienced such a thing. It must have been the heat of the day."

"I'm certain you are correct," Lana murmured. "Another cafe au lait?"

"Merci," the tax man said. Jigglypuff brought him a cup. He paged through the tax forms that they'd hastily assembled while he was asleep. "It is as well that you have maintained your own copies of these forms. The originals never arrived at the offices of government."

"Oh, no!" Lana exclaimed soulfully. She tilted her head and made her eyes fill with tears. "Possibly I used the incorrect postage." She sniffed delicately. "Must I go to prison?"

"Jigglypuff!" the Jigglypuff implored.

"Non, non, of course not," the tax collector reassured Lana, stroking her hand. (Score! Lana thought.) "We will simply make a copy of your copy of the forms, and I will take it into the office with me. You will write a second cheque, to replace the one that was lost in the post. Et voila! You are a business in good standing with the government again!"

"Oh, **thank** you!" Lana breathed worshipfully, eyes shining with trust and admiration.

"Jig jiggly puff!" the Jigglypuff chimed in.

He chuckled manfully. "I am a public servant, am I not?"

After everything was settled, and the shop had been re-opened, and the tax collector had gone on his way, Lana sank gratefully onto a pouffe. Her pokemon flopped at her feet.

"That was a close one!"

"Jiggly jig!"


	35. Clark gets Darned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Giant Krypto-Ants decided to throw Lana a welcome-home party, because they loved her so.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 topic "Be Nice to Lana".)

The Giant Krypto-Ants decided to throw Lana a welcome-home party, because they loved her so.

They decorated their lair with pretty flowers and lots of pink ribbon.

They prepared wonderful snacks, like meteor-rock-green punch, lovely pre-chewed cake, and big piles of sugar.

They made Lana beautiful gifts, like a kryptonite necklace (to replace the one that mysteriously disappeared) and her own burrow, painted pink.

They brought all her friends to the lair for the celebration. Lana was so thrilled when everybody shouted "Surprise!"

No one noticed that the lair's kryptonite lining had made poor Clark keel over and die.

Darn.

* * *

(That one can be regarded as a sequel to an earlier Giant Glowing Krypto-Ant drabble, that I did when the topic was "Drabbles that hurt".)

"We miss you, Lana.  
Oh, yes, we do.  
We miss you, Lana  
And we'll be true  
When you're not near us  
We're blue!  
(Well, greenish-blue)  
Oh, Lana, we miss you!"

"Dad-Blame Giant Glowing Green Ants!" Jonathan snarled, hauling his weary bones out of bed and grabbing his shotgun. "A body can't get no sleep in these parts since that girl done left."

"Now, Jonathan!" Martha cautioned. "Remember your blood pressure!"

Jonathan heaved open the bedroom window. "The Hell with my blood pressure!" he declared, opening fire on the miserable giant insects.

The krypto-ants fled, still singing their song of woe.

* * *

(The other one I wrote during "Drabbles that hurt" week was seriously crack-addled.)

"How could you do it, Lex? How could you take her away from me like that? Lana would never have left Smallville if you hadn't given her that first class ticket to Paris! There's nothing in this miserable town without her! I could have... I thought you... After all that I've done for you!"

His long, unruly hair flew about his neck as he whipped around dramatically and pointed an accusing finger at Lex. "Back Stabber!" he exclaimed, and swept out of the office.

Lex raised his eyebrows in surprise, commenting, "Jeeze, Dad. I didn't think you'd even met her."


	36. I don't even know what to say to that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sensible person would have worn a radioactive chunk of the meteorite that killed her parents as an ornament.

(Originally written for the Wednesday100 "No dialogue" challenge.)

No sensible person would have worn a radioactive chunk of the meteorite that killed her parents as an ornament.

No sensible person, born and raised in Kansas, would have abandoned a perfectly serviceable roadside ditch and gotten back into a truck in the face of an imminent tornado.

No sensible person would have fallen for the reverse-werewolf, _and_ the self-cloning guy, _and_ the magnetic-field manipulator, _and _the re-animated corpse.

No sensible person would have circumvented the safety barriers to climb the Eiffel Tower during one of Paris's rare electrical storms.

Clark couldn't help.

Poor Lana was struck by lightning.

Darn.


	37. He should've paid more attention in Bio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **If only he'd paid better attention in Biology...**

**If only he'd paid better attention in Biology...**

(Originally written for the wednesday100 topic "Genderbending")

Lantos Lang was the Prince of Smallville High. All the girls wanted him; all the guys wanted to be him. Everything he touched turned to gold, but somehow something was always missing. Maybe it was because his parents were dead. He seemed to need more admiration than even Smallville could provide.

When the Giant Krypto-Ants took him in, he found just what he'd always longed for. They literally worshiped him -- fed him, sheltered him, brought him everything he could ever want.

Then winter came, and they threw him out of the lair to die, like all the other drones.

Darn.


	38. Li'l Smallville Characters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "Li'l Smallville Characters". This was the least sick Darn drabble I could come up with.)

(The wednesday100 topic was "Li'l Smallville Characters". This was the least sick Darn drabble I could come up with.)

Lana held a number of strong opinions.

Lewis was "Daddy". Every other man was "Dummy". (Lewis encouraged her in this one a little.)

Every story with a Princess also had to have a Frog. Disney videos gave her tantrums, because of all the Frogless Princesses.

Food had to be green. Laura supposed she should be glad. Lana got plenty of vegetables. Laura just added food-coloring to other things.

For her two-year-old birthday, Laura made green cupcakes. Lana was delighted. She licked all the frosting off hers, then smashed it pancake-flat, looked at her sticky hand and smiled.

"Darn!" she crowed.


	39. Illness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, once all the grateful giant insects had recovered, Lana herself started feeling bad. The doctors at Smallville Med Center were completely baffled, and Clark didn't realize that the big Kryptonite-infested bugs he kept valiantly chasing away were only trying to help.

(The wednesday100 topic was "illness". I did 2 Drabbles: One "Darn" and one Futurefic.)

* * *

Alas! The Giant Krypto-Ants were infected with a serious illness! They lost their bright coloring, grew listless, and sometimes died. Lana did all she could: brought them sugar and meteor rocks, read them stories about princesses, and even re-decorated their tunnels in cheerful pink.

Unfortunately, once all the grateful giant insects had recovered, Lana herself started feeling bad. The doctors at Smallville Med Center were completely baffled, and Clark didn't realize that the big Kryptonite-infested bugs he kept valiantly chasing away were only trying to help.

Lana lost her pink coloration, grew more and more listless, and finally perished.

Darn.

* * *

Even an invulerable alien should probably avoid _repeated_ Kryptonite exposure.

He could have worn one of those film badges, Clark thought feverishly, or just stayed away from Luthor. No. Even if he'd known that someday he wouldn't just bounce back from the effects of that doggone ring, Clark couldn't have left him alone. He had to protect the world from Lex, and protect Lex from the world, and get to the bathroom right away.

After flushing, Clark leaned against the cool porcelain. The doorbell rang. He didn't get up. Someone came in anyway.

"I got rid of it," Lex said.


	40. Word of the Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Nap Time!**

(IIRC, the girls running the wednesday100 had one of those "Word of the Day" calendars, and sometimes they'd do a topic based off of that. Two "Darn", one Baby!Clark.)

* * *

glower \GLAU-urh\, intransitive verb:  
To look or stare angrily or with a scowl.

**Nap Time!**

"I won't!" Clark declared.

"Sweetie, your daddy worked hard growing those..."

"Nuh uh!" Clark interrupted. "He's not! Pete says that's what 'dopted means! He's _not_ my daddy, and you're _not_ my mama!"

"Oh, Clark!" Martha pulled him onto her lap and hugged him. "Daddy is _so_ your daddy, and I am _so_ your mama. Adopted means we didn't get you in the ordinary way, that's all. We're still your mama and daddy, forever."

The little boy glowered at his food, but the ferocious glare soon turned to sniffles. He laid his tired head on Martha's shoulder. "I don't like peas."

* * *

puerile: adjective Displaying or suggesting a lack of maturity; juvenile; childish.

**1) Isn't it Lana's Turn for Amnesia Again?**

"Wh-where am I?"

"Lana!" Pete exclaimed. "Thank God! Quick, you gotta call off those Giant Ants!"

"Giant ants? What kind of puerile joke is that? And who are you?"

"Right, blow to the head. Of course." Pete sighed. "You remember 'puerile' but you don't remember you're the Insect Queen?"

Lana instinctively reached for a non-existent tiara. "I'm a queen?"

"Oh, man!" Pete resumed his futile attempts to call Clark.

Lana absent-mindedly opened the barricaded door and left. Misunderstanding the Giant Krypto-Ants' exuberant displays of joy at her presence, she screamed and ran right in front of a passing truck.

Darn.

**2) And my daughter wrote one for 'puerile', too!  
(slight crossover with Kim Possible)**

"Look, Clark!" Lana chirped excitedly. "I just got the flamingo Cuddle-Buddie! It's the rare..."

"Sorry, Lana. I've got farmwork to do," Clark replied, shuddering at having to see Lana's collection of soft toy animals again.

"Fine!" Lana flounced off to add the pink bird to her collection.

Along the way, the Krypto-Ants noticed and followed to see what was up. Unfortunately, the giant ants' marching caused vibrations that knocked all the plush creatures off their shelves, burying Lana. By the time the huge insects dug her out, it was too late. Lana's puerile hobby had finally done her in.

Darn.


	41. Vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "Vacation".)

(The wednesday100 topic was "Vacation".)

**There's a book called Death in Yellowstone...**

"You've always been jealous because I'm prettier than you!"

"What?" Chloe sputtered. "A)You are not, and B)What does that have to do with anything? All I said was, you can't have makeup in the tent! Read the Bear Awareness Notice!"

"You want me to look all pale and washed-out tomorrow!" Lana retorted.

Chloe shook her head at Lana's insanity, and futilely proffered the pamphlet again. "Look! It says to store everything with any aroma at least 150 yards from our sleeping area!"

"No!"

"Fine! I'll sleep way over there then! And I hope a bear eats you!"

One did.

Darn.


	42. mystery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "mystery".)

(The wednesday100 topic was "mystery".)

**It's the I Love Lana Show! (Oh, that wacky Lana)**

"Chloe thinks only _she_ can solve mysteries! Well, I'll show her!"

Lana sucked on her pencil.

"Where does she find them, though? Smallville is such a quiet, ordinary town."

An hour's serious thought left Lana with a headache and incipient frown-lines, but no mystery to solve. The view from her window was absolutely normal. Giant Krypto-Ants frolicked on the lawn. High overhead, armed thugs pushed Lex out of a helicopter, and Clark jumped forty feet to catch him. In the distance, Lionel Luthor tied Chloe to the railroad tracks.

"The 4:17 is late, but that's not exactly a mystery. Darn!"


	43. Intoxication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "Intoxication".)

(The wednesday100 topic was "Intoxication".)

**The Scorpion does not encourage or endorse the following behavior.**

****

****"You're old enough!"

"I'll stick with Diet Coke," Lana said primly.

A guy asked Chloe to dance. She put down her cranberry-juice-and-vodka. "Watch my glass!"

Lana nodded emphatically.

Chloe kept dancing. Bored, Lana eyed Chloe's drink. It was a nice color. She tried some. Soon, she'd finished it.

When Chloe returned, breathless and laughing, Lana had tried the Pink Lady, the Pink Squirrel, two kinds of rose, and a Pink Gin Fizz.

"Chlo'? You're my beessshhht friend!!!!!"

"Whoa!" Chloe exclaimed. "You've had enough!"

"Nonshenshe! They're sho pretty; what harm could there be?"

Eventually, poor Lana drank herself to death.

Darn.


	44. Back to School

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "back to school". They actually used that one several times. My son and I had a lot of fun with this one. As always, it can rhyme **or** scan **or** make sense LOL!)

(The wednesday100 topic was "back to school". They actually used that one several times. My son and I had a lot of fun with this one. As always, it can rhyme **or** scan **or** make sense LOL!)

**To the Tune of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'**

Oh, Lana had a krypto-ant,  
Krypto-ant, krypto-ant!  
Lana had a krypto-ant;  
Its exoskeleton was green as meteor rock!

At school there was an elephant,  
Elephant, elephant!  
At school there was an elephant,  
As part of a presentation on Our Earth's Vanishing Wildlife.

It saw her bug, and it had to pant,  
Had to pant, had to pant.  
Its panic was quite evidant,  
And then it started to rampage!

Withstand such stuff, a schoolhouse can't,  
Schoolhouse can't, schoolhouse can't!  
The place was leveled by battling giants,  
And poor Lana was crushed in the rubble.

(There was nothing Clark could do.)

Darn.


	45. Do Warrior Princesses Fly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "flying" -- I was working off the spoilers for the beginning of season 4.)

(The wednesday100 topic was "flying" -- I was working off the spoilers for the beginning of season 4.)

If Lana had to be possessed by a medieval warrior princess, she decided she'd make the most of it.

Lana tried out her new abilities. It was all so easy! She realized the thrill that Clark must have always felt, rescuing the innocent and beautiful from assorted perils.

Lana decided to check out her last theory. She was sure that Xena, the Warrior Princess on TV, had been able to fly.

Plummeting from the Eiffel Tower, Lana remembered that hadn't been Xena. It had been Lucy Lawless, on an episode of The Simpsons.

Warrior Princesses couldn't fly after all.

Darn.


	46. Different Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "different choices", and it was right after Roy of Siegfried &amp; Roy had been injured during one of their tiger shows. I **did** put a warning on it, that it was possibly offensive. Not that all the rest of the Darn drabbles **aren't**, or anything.)

(The wednesday100 topic was "different choices", and it was right after Roy of Siegfried &amp; Roy had been injured during one of their tiger shows. I **did** put a warning on it, that it was possibly offensive. Not that all the rest of the Darn drabbles **aren't**, or anything.)

* * *

"I just have to get away, you know? Away from people's -- expectations."

"Uh-huh," Chloe responded absently.

"Maybe I'll try art-school in Paris. The Office had applications."

Chloe continued doing homework.

"I need something Really Different!"

"I hear there are openings for wild-animal handlers in Vegas."

"That's a great idea!"

* * *

"You're moving to Nevada?" Clark's eyes were wide with disbelief. "Why?"

"Don't worry, Clark. We'll always have Paris." Lana stood on tiptoe to kiss him on the cheek.

By the time Clark stopped being dumfounded by her parting words, poor Lana had already been eaten by a white tiger.

Darn.


	47. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "Falling". BDA is a widely used acronym for Big Dumb Alien.)

(The wednesday100 topic was "Falling". BDA is a widely used acronym for Big Dumb Alien.)

* * *

  
**Today's Weather Forecast: Falling Kryptonians**

Clark remembered flying -- drawing a surge of power up from the ground until it launched him towards the sky.

Of course, the BDA decided to practice by jumping off things.

He proceeded from the Kent Family Barn ("Replace your divots, please, Sweetie!" "Yes, Mom.") to the majestic Kansas Redwoods in Pomeroys' wood-lot, to the dramatic Smallville Municipal Dam. He couldn't fly anywhere.

Finally, Clark tried the scenic Lowell County Cliffs. He screwed his eyes shut and jumped, not noticing the giant glowing green ants at the base of his cliff. Lana was with them.

Poor Lana was squashed.

Darn.


	48. Elections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their fund-raising picnics were spectacularly successful, as giant green glowing ants forcibly recruited donors from nearby streets and buildings, stuffed them with cake and coffee, and then appropriated all their worldly belongings to help finance Lana's presidential campaign.

(The wednesday100 topic was "Election". I did one Darn drabble, and one Rift-What-Rift? Clex futurefic.)

* * *

When Lana decided to run for President of the United States, the Giant Krypto-Ants were behind her all the way.

Their fund-raising picnics were spectacularly successful, as giant green glowing ants forcibly recruited donors from nearby streets and buildings, stuffed them with cake and coffee, and then appropriated all their worldly belongings to help finance Lana's presidential campaign.

Hundreds of millions of ants voted for her on Election Day. People trying to vote for her opponent were frightened off or eaten.

Unfortunately, on her first full day in office, poor President Lang was assassinated by an angry gun-wielding horse.

Darn.

* * *

Lex was removing his tie when he finally heard the window opening.

'How was your evening?' he asked, without turning.

"Fine. Stopped a landslide. Got a broken oil tanker to shore before it could... How was your day?"

"Whose tanker?"

"Read tomorrow's paper, Lex. You know I can't -- "

"I know." Lex liked the slithery sound the cape made coming off. "Lois called me 'glabrous' in the paper today. I blame you."

"I've apologized about that Word-of-the-Day calendar."

Lex smiled over his shoulder. "Anything else?"

"They elected me leader of the JLA," Clark beamed.

"Toldja fresh-baked muffins would do the trick."


	49. Body Swap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Soon after the episode where Lionel and Clark had their bodies swapped, the wednesday100 topic was "body swap".)

(Soon after the episode where Lionel and Clark had their bodies swapped, the wednesday100 topic was "body swap".)

* * *

When Lana found herself magically transformed into Clark, she immediately started snooping around. "No more secrets!" she rumbled.

Soon she discovered her old meteor-rock necklace. It had turned white, but she'd recognize it anywhere. After all, it was all that remained of her poor dead parents. The other stones in the same box were glowier than typical meteor-rock. She ignored the weird feelings that were probably just a side-effect of the body-transfer, and held up the brightest two. They'd make wonderful earrings!

Unfortunately, so much kryptonite right next to Clark's alien brain caused a stroke.

Poor Lana was killed.

Darn.

* * *

(Then I wrote a longer sequel to that Darn drabble, from Clark's point-of-view.)

When Clark somehow got trapped in Lana's body, he spent the first two hours just being confused. By the time he managed to get out of the house and pay attention, his own body was already dead.

There was nothing for it but to be the best darn Lana Lang that he could.

He broke up with Jason first thing. ("I'm sorry. This just feels wrong. Can we still be friends?")

He finished all Lana's classes, even though he hated French, and went to Grandville Community College, just as she'd planned. He got those crazy mutant ants that followed him around everywhere to save people and fix things all over Lowell County, instead of just spending all their time singing and carrying on.

After he graduated, he moved to Metropolis and took to prowling the city late at night with some of his Giant Krypto-Ant followers, saving people from crime and rescuing kittens from trees. He always wore a pink outfit (to honor Lana's memory) and a mask (so people couldn't identify him.) The newspapers called him "The Insect Queen."

Clark got a job at the _Metropolis Daily Shopper._ (He'd never known what Lana's actual grown-up career plans were.) Lois was toiling away at the _Daily Planet_, and Chloe was setting the _Inquisitor_ on fire with her hard-hitting investigative skills. Clark was mainly stuck doing the gardening and cooking pages (Mom and Dad -- well, Martha and Jonathan Kent -- helped him out a lot by answering all his questions), so he thought it was nice of the Sullivan-Lane cousins to include him in all their "Smallville Grrl Reporter" activities.

It was at one of those (they crashed a huge charity fund-raising ball) that he finally met up with Lex Luthor again. Lex had gotten really good-looking and sexy over the years, but he seemed sad. He didn't throw them out, and he danced with all three of them. Then he danced with Clark some more.

Clark told him the whole story the following Spring. Lex might or might not have believed him -- Clark could never tell -- but they got married anyway.

And had a million babies!  
:-)


	50. Pavane pour une Enfant Defunte

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "five senses". The title is from something the kids had to play at a band concert that week.)

(The wednesday100 topic was "five senses". The title is from something the kids had to play at a band concert that week.)

* * *

  
**Pavane pour une Enfant Defunte**

_Pavane_ was the hottest new perfume that season. All the gliteratti were wearing it, and Lana moved heaven and earth to get some. It was so French!

Unfortunately, the scent of _Pavane_ had a very confusing effect on the senses of the Krypto-Ants.

Lana went about her daily routine, heedless of any possible hazards that might cross her path, confident that her giant insectoid protectors would always be there to save her. (Clark had long-since abandoned her to take care of other concerns.)

Meanwhile, the Giant Krypto-Ants were following Paris Hilton.

Poor Lana was run over by a steamroller.

Darn.


	51. A Tasteless Thing to be Thankful for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (They did the topic "Thanksgiving" several times, too.)

(They did the topic "Thanksgiving" several times, too.)

* * *

  
**Okay, this one is probably even more tasteless than last week's Darn drabble**

The County Harvest Festival was late this year. Martha and most the ladies in town fretted about their Thanksgiving preparations being disrupted by the livestock shows and the auto-racing, but Jonathan enthusiastically attended and participated.

Two days later, after the tragedy, the Kents sat down to Thanksgiving dinner and counted their blessings. "And I'm thankful Bessie was spared when that NASCAR driver spun out of control at the Festival," Jonathan concluded.

"Jonathan!" Martha protested, "Poor Lana Lang was right next to your cow, and she died horribly!"

"Oh, yeah." Jonathan tried to summon up the appropriate expression of grief. "Darn."


	52. Battle of the Christmas Ants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I can't believe I forgot to finish putting these things up!

OMG I can't believe I forgot to finish putting these things up!

Disclaimer: I own no rights; this is just for fun/parody/moneyless-goofing-around. Originally written for the wednesday100 "Holiday Preparations" challenge in 2004.

**Battle of the Christmas Ants**

One day Lana found some red meteor rocks. "These will make those drab caverns so much more festive!" she declared, nodding earnestly. "The red and the green will create a Christmassy feeling in the Giant Ant Lair!"

Unfortunately, the Red Kryptonite radiation altered the genetic structure of some of the Giant Ant Larvae. They emerged from their pupae red and angry, not caring anything for the social mores that gave Krypto-Ant culture its charm.

The Giant Krypto-Ant Civil War raged beneath Smallville for many days before the Green Ants finally triumphed. Tragically, poor Lana was killed during the conflict.

Darn.


	53. Lies & Videotape, Anyhow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wednesday100 topic was "Sex, Lies, and Videotape." Two outta three ain't bad.

The wednesday100 topic was "Sex, Lies, and Videotape." Two outta three ain't bad.

* * *

The Krypto-Ants wanted to give Lana a nice surprise. They decided to make a video-travelogue of her favorite places, from Paris, to the Talon, to the cheerful green-and-red Krypto-Ant Lair.

They used threats of kryptonite and promises of pie to force Clark to operate the camera. (Their giant compound eyes and lack of opposable thumbs made his assistance necessary.)

Lana asked Clark what was going on. He said he was writing a term paper about junk-mail. Poor Lana, enraged by Clark's obvious lies, screamed in exasperation and dashed blindly into the street, where she was hit by a bus.

Darn.


	54. Lana vs The Grinch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The topic was "TV crossovers." (It's harder to make it exactly 100 words when it has to scan, too.)

The topic was "TV crossovers." (It's harder to make it exactly 100 words when it has to scan, too.)

* * *

All the Whos down in Whoville loved Lana a lot,  
But one guy out past Whoville completely did not.  
Her blinks and her nods  
He did not find beguiling.  
Her pinks and her blacks  
He did not think were styling.  
This cat, who was green  
(And sometimes could glow)  
Thought Lana obscene,  
And a whole World-of-No.  
So, when that Pwetty-Pwintheth  
Launched into her spiel,  
About parents and horsies  
And how lies made her feel,  
This dude, called the Grinch, shouted,  
"Lady! Enough!  
I've had it with all this lugubrious stuff!"  
Lana kept talking,  
and the Grinch blew her up.

Darn.


	55. KryptoAnt New Year Resolutions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Oh, well**

**Oh, well**

* * *

After the astonishing catastrophe of the lair-made Christmas presents, the chastened Krypto-Ants decided they should swear to do better next year.

They unanimously resolved to continue worshipping Lana.

Some conflict broke out about what their next resolution should be. Some thought they needed improved vigilance in protecting Lana from freaks and weirdos. Others argued they should also help other people. A vocal minority maintained that they should sing more.

The discussion grew heated. Every ant participated, even the team that was supposed to be keeping an eye on Lana. Unobserved, poor Lana wandered out into traffic and was killed.

Darn.


	56. Bastille Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The wednesday100 topic was "Rebellion.")

(The wednesday100 topic was "Rebellion.")

Countess Isobel transmitted her soul forward in time, to Smallville, where she would be worshipped and adored. She sent Lana back in time to France to be burnt at the stake as a witch.

No one noticed the difference except for the faithful Krypto-Ants.

Krypto-Ant education wasn't much on European History, but they had heard of the Bastille. They slipped past Lex's dozey castle security and shanghaied his experimental time-machine. They transported themselves back to the early part of the French Revolution and helped the downtrodden peasants tear down that hated prison stone by stone.

Unfortunately, Lana wasn't there.

Darn.


	57. Crazy Invention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, poor Krypto-Ants. They were only trying to help. From the wednesday100 March 3, 2005. The topic was "crazy inventions".

Alas, poor Krypto-Ants. They were only trying to help. From the wednesday100 March 3, 2005. The topic was "crazy inventions".

* * *

Lana had changed, and the Giant Krypto-Ants didn t like it.

"It's that doggone magical butt-tattoo," complained Giant Ant No. 47. "Now all she cares about is Countess Isobel this, and ancient French Chinese martial arts that."

"We need to get rid of the tattoo!" they decided.

It took months, but finally the giant insects came up with a device to remove Lana's tattoo. They calculated that a special mixture of kryptonite and formic acid would obliterate the tattoo without harming Lana herself.

Unfortunately, their calculations were all made using the brains of big bugs. Poor Lana was completely dissolved.

Darn.


	58. Lucky Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the wednesday100 3/31/05. The topic was "lucky mistake".

For the wednesday100 3/31/05. The topic was "lucky mistake".

* * *

"Lana has terrible handwriting."

"Uh-huh. 'New sticky scones at the car-wash'? Ooh! They have pastry at the car-wash now?"

"Are you sure that's 'car-wash', Clark?"

Clark looked at Chloe with big, pie-loving eyes. "What else could it be?"

***********

Actually, the Smallville Rub-n-Buff did have scones, and they were pretty good. They got Chloe's Beetle and the Kents' truck washed, but Lana never showed.

***********

Meanwhile, at the Kawatche Caves, Lana got tired of waiting for them. She put the pink-and-black mystic stone she'd stolen from Lionel's bedroom into the octagonal slot. The cave collapsed, and Lana was never seen again.

Darn.


	59. Prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The Wednesday100 topic was prison. This is a crossover with Law &amp; Order.)

(The Wednesday100 topic was prison. This is a crossover with Law &amp; Order.)

* * *

Lana wasn't entirely sure about this fancy New York lawyer that Lex had gotten for her. Serena Southerlyn was very pretty, and Lana admired her clothes, but she spent more time gazing at Lana and touching her hair than Lana had expected a lawyer would.

BANG

"Ms. Southerlyn, I find your client's claim of ancient witch possession and/or temporary insanity to be unconvincing. Lana Lang, I sentence you to life in prison for the murder of Genevieve Teague."

"Is this because I'm a lesbian?" Serena demanded tearfully.

Three weeks later, Lana was shivved in the yard. Nobody saw nothin'.

Darn.


	60. Shyness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The original Wednesday100 topic was shyness.)

(The original Wednesday100 topic was shyness.)

* * *

Roy Postal was the shyest krypto-freak at Smallville High. Of course he adored Lana Lang, but somehow he could never gather the courage to speak to her, kidnap her, or even kill her.

During the meteor shower, Roy had been under attack by angry pit bulls. When he was upset, his navel oozed a viscous green poison.

Roy watched Lana flirting again with that damn ex-quarterback, Kent, and snapped. He snuck to her SUV and rubbed his belly on all the door handles.

Poor Lana didn t notice until it was too late. (Clark was helpless against a kryptonite-based toxin.)

Darn.


	61. American Fried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The topic was Book Titles, and this drabble is named after/inspired by American Fried by Calvin Trillin (It's a very funny travel book, focusing on things to eat.) Also crossover with The Simpsons.

The topic was Book Titles, and this drabble is named after/inspired by American Fried by Calvin Trillin (It's a very funny travel book, focusing on things to eat.) Also crossover with The Simpsons.

* * *

"...place with a lot of crazy crap on the walls, come on down to Moe's Family Steakhouse!"

Lana turned off the TV. "We should try it."

Clark looked up suddenly. "Uh! I have a term paper! About adrenaline!" He rushed off.

So Lana went alone. Soon she realized that the proprietor was hiding something. She went into the kitchen.

"You're keeping secrets!" she accused.

"What?" Without paying attention to her, he ran back into the dining room with a basket of fries on his head.

"Come back here!" In her wrath, she tripped and fell into the industrial-sized deep-fryer.

Darn.


	62. The Rest of the Darn Drabbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it's a really long time since I last wrote a Darn drabble. I haven't even watched Smallville in more than a year. So I've decided to put up all the rest of the Darn drabbles in one big chapter, rather than messing around with uploading each individual one. These were all originally written for the wednesday100 over at livejournal, and I'll put the topics at the top of each.

Okay, it's a really long time since I last wrote a Darn drabble. I haven't even watched Smallville in more than a year. So I've decided to put up all the rest of the Darn drabbles in one big chapter, rather than messing around with uploading each individual one. These were all originally written for the wednesday100 over at livejournal, and I'll put the topics at the top of each.

* * *

Astronomy  
(inspired by The Sims)

"Are you comfortable? Want another blanket?"

"This is fine."

It didn t look fine. Lana lay as stiff as a board, arms rigidly crossed. When she d agreed to come out to the meadow star-gazing with him, Clark had hoped for something cuddlier.

Then things got even worse. "Help!" someone cried, miles away.

Clark couldn t ignore it. "I'll be right back." He trotted out-of-sight, and then took off like a shot.

Lana sighed. Someday she'd make Clark tell his secrets. She decided to star-gaze until he returned, then make him feel bad for abandoning her.

Suddenly a satellite fell on Lana.

Darn.

* * *

Struggle

Even though she had abandoned the cheerleading squad, Lana was still a native Smallvillian, and therefore she loved high school football passionately. She had conveyed this enthusiasm to her devoted Giant Krypto-Ants, and they all watched the State Championships together.

Smallville High won, of course, and there was much rejoicing, characterized (as Lana had instructed them) by joyful jumping and crashing about.

Lana began to panic when she couldn't escape from the surging crowd of celebrating giant ants. She struggled to get free, but alas! Due to her tragic lack of an exoskeleton, she was crushed by the mob.

Darn.

* * *

Toys  
(I think the topic was "toys", anyway. Was it "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" or "Where does he get those marvelous toys?" that Jack Nicholson's Joker said about Batman in the first Tim Burton movie?)

"Trust me. You need one of these."

Batman thrust the suitcase-sized box (complete with red button labeled "To Destroy Superman") into Superman's hands. "If Luthor ever finds your lair, you'll thank me."

"Oh, I don't think he's going to -- "

Batman cut him off. "I've been doing this a lot longer than you have." And then he was gone.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Clark! You promised we wouldn't be late this time!"

J"ust a minute!" Clark yelled from the bathroom.

"Fine!" Lana huffed. She wandered around his apartment, looking in cupboards and drawers. "What's this?"

Lana pushed the red button, and was instantly obliterated.

Darn.

* * *

The topic was "Tell 'em how you really feel". I did two.

Lana set down her Psych 101 textbook. "So. Holding in my feelings is bad," she pondered.

The next day:

"You're a lying liar who lies! You don't deserve my friendship!"

"Huh?" Clark asked, but Lana had flounced away.

"You always liked Clark and Pete more than you like me! This friendship is over!"

"You haven't said a word to me in four months!" Chloe protested, but Lana was gone.

"You're smelly and disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The mentally-disturbed homeless man thought for a second, then picked up a nearby chunk of concrete and shattered Lana's skull.

Darn.

DISCLAIMER: The author does not encourage or condone hitting anybody with chunks of concrete, no matter what mean things they might say.

and:

"Stay away from those squishy four-limbs! They don't love you as we do!" insisted the Giant Krypto-Ants.

"Nonsense!" Lana declared, wrinkling her nose cutely. "I like other human beings! I'll spend time with them if I want!"

The ants were devastated. They left Smallville and spread out in search of presents that would make Lana love them again.

While her giant insectoid protectors were gone, and Clark was occupied trying to solve a statewide epidemic of thefts at Gift Shops and Jewelers, Lana was unfortunately killed by a mob of angry squirrels.

They buried her under the oak tree.

Darn.

* * *

Star

"You're majoring in what?" Chloe sputtered.

Lana blinked and nodded reprovingly at her friend. "Why, Chloe! You know how much I love studying the stars and planets! I've always been passionate about astronomy! Or was that astronautics?"

Chloe rolled her eyes, grabbed her book-bag, and left.

Lana joined the U.S. Space Program. She quickly became adept at all the skills NASA requires of its astronauts, and was selected as the first woman to land on the moon. Her space flight and touchdown went perfectly, of course. Unfortunately, her preternatural presence awakened the Ancient Space Dragon, and it ate her.

Darn.

* * *

Competition  
(You've seen these on Food Network, right? They're almost like reality shows.)

Without anybody noticing (and with the help of her devoted Giant Krypto-Ants) Lana had become a world-class pastry chef. She was invited to compete in the World Sugar Sculpture Championship in Las Vegas.

Her showpiece (perfect for any formal luncheon!!!) incorporated elements honoring Kansas state agriculture, giant mutant insects, her dead parents, and the Eiffel Tower. It was constructed entirely of shimmering pink sugar, with a razor-sharp shard of meteor rock perched decoratively on top. Unfortunately, the whole thing collapsed while Lana was moving it to the judging table. Poor Lana was impaled through the heart, and died instantly.

Darn.

* * *

Mpreg

Lana stormed into the barn. "Clark Kent! You ve been avoiding me!"

Her boyfriend's startled face popped out from behind a rack of hay. "Lana! Uh, I, um, I haven t been avoiding -- "

"Baloney! I call a spade a spade, Clark! You're seeing someone else, aren't you?"

Clark blushed.

"I knew it! You've got another girlfriend! Ooh! You! You've probably -- "

Lex stepped into view from behind the same rack of hay. He looked pale and angry, and his abdomen was strangely distended. "Knocked her up?"

Clark groaned and buried his face in his hands.

Lana's head exploded.

Darn.

* * *

Two Minutes Before Midnight, New Year's Eve  
(Alas, for life's inevitabilities...)

Lana had always longed to join the Times Square New Year's Eve Celebration.

Lex swore he'd be with her once he cleared up one little problem, and ordered her to enjoy herself until he arrived. Lana suspected Lex's "little problem" was that alien busy-body, Superman, again, but she was sure Lex would handle him!

At two minutes until midnight, everyone's attention was on the glittering ball. Nobody noticed that Lana had somehow wandered past all the safeguards.

Just like her poor dear parents before her, Lana gazed in fascination as a huge glowing object descended and crushed her flat.

Darn.

* * *

Coat Closet

In order to demonstrate his trust, Lex naturally gave Lana the keys to every door in the castle.

Most were just boring old rooms (including one that contained only a dramatically-lit compacted car) but finally she unlocked a closet of old-fashioned, beautifully-preserved fur coats. "These are lovely," Lana sighed, moving further in. The coat closet led out into a wintry landscape Lana had never seen before! "What is this place?" she exclaimed, blinking rapidly.

"Look! The White Witch!" shouted a nearby horse. "Get her!"

Narnia had neither Kryptonians nor Krypto-Ants to protect her. Poor Lana was trampled to death.

Darn.

* * *

Melodrama  
(I think we all saw this coming.)

"Heeeelp me!"

"Scream all you want, my pretty! No one can help you now!" Lex twirled his mustache (an artificial one, purchased expressly for the occasion) and finished tying Lana to the railroad tracks. "Mwahahaha!" he chortled.

"I'll save you!" called Clark, riding up on a white horse.

"My hero!" Lana declared, fluttering her eyes.

Clark put the smackdown on Lex, big time. He threw the bald villain thirty feet into the air, knocked him down again, and rumpled his clothes, all the while berating him for his moral shortcomings.

Meanwhile, poor Lana was run over by a train.

Darn.

* * *

Pranks  
(Saw this on Mythbusters once)

That darn Clark Kent! How dare he say that her outfit was nice. Even a dumb, blind, hick farmboy should have realized it was exquisite!

It wasn t worth breaking up over, not so soon after the last time, but Clark definitely had to pay.

Lana remembered something she'd heard about somewhere. She microwaved some jawbreakers, then set them out on the counter near Clark's table.

"Ooh! Candy!" Clark said. He ate a jawbreaker. "Thanks, Lana."

Well, that was a bust. Lana took a jawbreaker. It was cool already. Oh, well. She ate it.

It exploded. Poor Lana was decapitated.

Darn.

* * *

Flights and/or Tights  
(This seems rather inevitable, to me.)

It was hard to say exactly how it happened. Maybe it was the tornado freshman year, or the witchcraft and alien invasion senior year. Maybe it was the hundred narrow escapes all through high school, or even the first one the 1989 meteor storm, that killed her parents right before her terrified three-year-old eyes.

Whatever the reason, Lana inexorably developed the idea that she was invincible, safe from all harm.

The library at Metropolis University was ten stories tall. Lana could see her house from the rooftop garden. She decided she could fly home from there.

She was wrong.

Darn.

* * *

Size Appreciation  
(It's all a matter of scale)

Lex lay sleeping, sated for the moment. Lana leaned out and looked upon Metropolis, so far below.

The rioting people, the overturned cars, the burning buildings -- everything looked like the work of particularly interesting ants. She leaned farther, lost her balance, and fell.

Even falling, Lana thought for some time that she'd still be okay. Clark would come, or the Giant Krypto-Ants. Unfortunately, Clark was trapped, and she had completely underestimated the distance between Smallville and Metropolis -- the Krypto-Ants were much too far away to get there in time.

Lana splatted against the pavement like an egg.

Darn.


	63. Too Long for a Drabble, but Darnish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This was too long for a wednesday100, but it fits in with the Darn drabbles otherwise. Remember when Lana was pregnant with Lex's child on the show, and they got married? This story was written then. Of course, later it turned out that it was all some inexplicable wacky Luthor plot, and Lex had *tricked* Lana into *thinking* she was pregnant, which was kind of lolarious to those of us who actually *have* been, but whatever.)

(This was too long for a wednesday100, but it fits in with the Darn drabbles otherwise. Remember when Lana was pregnant with Lex's child on the show, and they got married? This story was written then. Of course, later it turned out that it was all some inexplicable wacky Luthor plot, and Lex had *tricked* Lana into *thinking* she was pregnant, which was kind of lolarious to those of us who actually *have* been, but whatever.)

When the Giant Krypto-Ants discovered that Lana was pregnant, they were overjoyed.

True, she hadn't been paying them much attention for the last couple of years, but they loved her unconditionally. She was their Eternal Glorious Queen, no matter what she did or did not do, and she was with child!

They moved into Luthor Mansion immediately, and started stocking the wine cellars with sugar, and the paralyzed bodies of assorted farm animals. Lana's offspring might require them for food! (Yes, I know that's wasps, not ants, but the Giant Krypto-Ants are mutants! It could happen!)

Their Queen's Consort seemed a little confused by their sudden giant glowing green presence, but Lana nodded and blinked at him and wrinkled her nose adorably, and he forgot to complain.

It seemed to take a long time for Lana's pregnancy to come to fruition, but the Giant Krypto-Ants were patient. They did everything that they knew was proper, making sure that she was well cared-for, and didn't overexert herself.

When the first snows came, the Giant Krypto-Ants performed the sad duty of throwing the Queen's mate out of the nest. He came back into the mansion a couple of times, but they patiently threw him out again and again. Finally he stood in the gently falling snow for a half-hour or so, eyes narrowed in thought. He shook his head and muttered, "What the hell was I thinking?" Then he got into one of those little metal contraptions that were stored in the auxiliary lair and buzzed away towards Metropolis.

The Giant Krypto-Ants were happy in the big stone lair belonging to their Queen. When she asked them where Lex was, they explained very gently that he had not abandoned her (who could imagine such a thing!) but that the seasons turn as they will, and all drones, having served their purpose, pass away come Winter time. They comforted her and gave her sweets, and told her how beautiful she was and how much they loved her, and soon she forgot all about Lex.

Unfortunately, the Giant Krypto-Ants didn't actually know anything at all about obstetrics. Poor Lana died in childbirth, and her grub with her.

Darn.


	64. Scotty Lang, Future AntMan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the magnificent laceymcbain, the Marvel Superhero "Ant-Man" was the secret identity of Scott Lang. I think I'm going to just stick this up as a chapter to "The Darn Drabbles", since the first bit actually was one.

According to the magnificent laceymcbain, the Marvel Superhero "Ant-Man" was the secret identity of Scott Lang. I think I'm going to just stick this up as a chapter to "The Darn Drabbles", since the first bit actually was one.

* * *

**The First of the Sub-Genre of Smallville x Ant-Man fics**  
(from the wednesday100, Jan. 12, 2005 - the topic was "children")

Inexplicably, Lana didn t lay thousands of eggs daily.

The Krypto-Ants worshiped her regardless. Raiding lesser ants' nests yielded plenty of eggs for them to raise themselves in their vast green-glowy larvae-pits.

All was well, until one day Lana, abdomen weirdly distended, came to the lair wailing about someone named Jason, and his horrible betrayal. Teams quickly exterminated every Jason in Smallville, but too late. Their queen writhed and howled, and finally she laid a small, pale, wiggly larva. Then Lana stroked him, and named him Scott, and died.

Darn.

The Krypto-Ants mourned, and raised the grub with all the rest.

* * *

**Another Scott Lang, Future Ant-Man story**  
(The wednesday100 topic might have been "family", but this story was too long to post for it.)

Lowell County Family Services, showing unusual competence for them, had researched maternal maiden names as well, instead of just "Lang". Therefore, the four-year-old boy who knew his name was Scott Lang, and that his late mother's name had been Lana Lang, would be handed over to his mother's aunt, Nell Potter-Dean, that evening.

Scott was worried. He'd spent over a month living with humans, and he didn't care for it much. They never gave him sugar for supper, and they said that little boys shouldn't wear pink. He missed the ants. What if they forgot about him while he was being brought up in Metropolis? Where was Metropolis, anyway?

What if it was really far, and he never saw them again?

Nell turned out to be a sharp-looking red-haired lady with a shiny green car. She knelt to greet him.

"My God, Scotty. I'd know you anywhere. You look so much like your mother!" Nell's eyes were shiny and sad. She hugged him softly.

"Lana," Scott said. He knew all about Lana. Nell must have loved her, too, just like the Krypto-Ants.

He decided he'd like Nell.

It turned out that Metropolis was far away. Scott lay in his new big bed in the dark rectilinear room and missed everything. Then he heard singing from outside his window.

"We love you, Scotty.  
Oh, yes, we do.  
We love you, Scotty,  
And we'll be true.  
When you're not with us,  
We're blue! (Well, greenish-blue)  
Dear Scotty, we love you!"

Scott ran to the window. Outside on the lawn there were a dozen glowing green giant ants, waving their friendly antennae at him! He was so happy to see them, and they were happy to see him. They conducted a silent limb-waving conversation, catching each other up on the events of the last few weeks, before the monstrous insects had to scurry away to avoid being spotted by Scott's new Great-Uncle. Scotty scurried back into bed, too, leaving Dean confused about what, if anything, had been going on.

They'd found him! The Krypto-Ants would always be near him, even though he had to live with the humans now. Scott Lang fell asleep smiling.

* * *

**And one more Scotty Lang, Future Ant-Man drabble**:  
(The wednesday100 topic was "shyness")

Scotty's first day at kindergarten was full of screaming and police.

It took almost all night to persuade the Krypto-Ants not to come along for the second day.

Unfortunately, school without the Giant Ants was really lonely. It wasn't that the other kids were mean. Scotty just didn't know how to talk to them.

He scuffed across the play-yard at recess, alone. He didn t want to try their noisy games. Sitting on the dusty grass, Scott noticed some little moving things. There were ants! Very tiny, non-green-glowy ants!

"Hi," Scotty signaled, very gently.

The ants looked startled. "Hi!" they waved.


	65. stripperfic for neverbeen2spain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is originally from April 2006. It was written in comments, and I guess I forgot to ever put it up in a more permanent way. Not really a Darn drabble.

fic update: This is very nearly nothing. I wrote it originally in LJ User: neverbeen2spain's comments.

Quick back-of-the-envelope fic, Smallville:  
She was talking about and citing some of the more humorous story descriptions that people had posted, looking for fics. One of them was "Nick is a stripper trying to earn enough money to start his own fishing charter boat business." This made me laugh, and I commented that that would make a darn fine Smallville story. She kind of dared me to write it, and this is what I got:

********

Step, step, step, TURN!  
Step, step, step, FLING!

Clark hoped he was doing this right.

Step, step, step, BEND!  
Step, step, step, SMILE!

Lois had said she'd teach him everything he needed to know.

Step, step, step, TURN!  
Step, step, step, ZIP!

Of course, she'd also been laughing so hard he'd been a little afraid she might lose a lung.

Step, step, step, SLIDE!  
Step, step, step, ROLL!

On the other hand, at this rate he'd have enough tip money for the boat he wanted in about a week. Then Look Out, Fish!

Clark wiggled and grinned. Screaming middle-aged women and bald billionaires stuffed his straining G-string with cash.

It was gonna be sweet!


End file.
